Ignorance and Sexual Intimacy

As a young adult my limited and basic understanding of sex was what was wrong and bad before marriage was good after you were married, it was an expression of love, and the way to have children. This topic was not talked about in our home, and if it had been I probably would have died of embarrassment. Looking back, I feel like there were great big gaps in my understanding (and my husband’s) which has taken us many, many years to figure out, and at times has been a bumpy road.

I felt that to read and study about sexual intimacy would be considered the same as looking at pornography—something to avoid. I have come to realize that it was okay for me to seek to understand this holy gift and I was led to sources that helped me and my husband overcome some problems we faced (most of them due to ignorance)—not understanding the differences, both physiological and emotional, in men and women in general, and in my husband and myself individually. Some of our issues stemmed from preconceived notions, not knowing how to verbally express our ourselves, and selfishness.

President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the First Presidency, wrote the following about sexual intimacy in his book You and Your Marriage:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” (Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 73, 76; emphasis added)

Brother Sean E. Brotherson, in “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage” stresses that it is perfectly acceptable to have questions about and seek learning from appropriate sources about sexual intimacy. God wants us to understand this sacred gift. It is also important to be comfortable talking about and expressing one’s thoughts and feelings to each other and overcome inhibitions.

There was a time in our marriage, in the middle of having children, sexual intimacy became an unwelcome chore for me. I was so exhausted physically and emotionally from taking care of children day and night, that my husband’s desire became just one more thing someone else needed from me; I started to dread and even resent it. A kiss or hug from me became a hope or expectation for him, so I even started avoided those things. Neither one of us could see past our own feelings and needs. We struggled with this for years. It was only through desperation to find a solution and seeking help through study and prayer that we were able to finally listen to one another, talk, compromise, and make a plan to change ourselves by focusing on the other. It was Through both divine and practical help I was eventually able to change my perspective and feelings.

I don’t know if studying and understanding more about sexual intimacy before this situation would have saved us from this situation, but as a mother, I am now thinking about how I can better prepare my children; when, what and how can I teach them?

Sexual intimacy is a sacred subject and can be uncomfortable to talk about, but how can we better prepare our children to understand sexual intimacy within marriage, so they can avoid heartache, that comes from a lack of knowledge or misunderstanding of its purpose?